by: June Hur

God gave me a love for storytelling.

And from this passion, I found myself writing books inspired by stories told by the master story-teller: God.

But this ambition turned toxic over the years. My passion for writing mutated into a desperate hunger for public approval. I came to believe that getting a book published would prove my relevance to the world. And it would finally silence the voice in me that whispered, “Unworthy.”

So I placed my life on hold to pursue this dream. For the next decade, I wrote all day, from sunrise till sunset. I neglected my health, my friendships, and relationships within the church. If I wasn’t writing, I no longer knew who I was, what else I was good at, what else I cared for. It was only me and writing, and I gambled everything (my happiness, my self-worth, my future) on this dream to see my book in stores.

The only time I did turn to God was when rejections flooded my inbox. No one seemed to want my books, while so many of my peers were landing book deals. Their good news filled me with a twinge of grief and envy as I wondered when my turn would come, when my hard work would bear fruit.

After a decade, my inbox was filled to the brim with hundreds of rejections, and my soul felt sick. I finally woke up to an unbearable realization: I might never get published. I felt unaccomplished and irrelevant, and the thought of feeling like a nobody for years devastated me. For the next few months, I couldn’t lift my head, couldn’t get out of bed, feeling too defeated to function—

Then a miracle happened.

God intervened.

He didn’t give me a publishing deal, but he gave me something better. He reminded me of the truth: My worth is in Christ, and He created all of us to delight in Him, and nothing else will satisfy.

I’d grown up with this message, but this head knowledge finally became a heart reality, and it breathed life into me. I finally felt “permitted” to leave my writing desk—to set aside my work. There was nothing to prove, or to earn, anymore. I let myself be swept into a two-years whirlwind of exploration, getting to know the life God had given me. I mended neglected friendships, met new people, dated again and met someone special, got married, served at church, went back to school. I had so much fun, experienced so much grace, and witnessed God’s goodness at work. Months later, I returned to writing books again—but this time, I wrote not for public approval, but because I wanted to reflect the creativity of God, and to put into words God’s beauty in daily life.

Plot twist: Six years have passed, and I’m now a published author. My dream has come true, yet the truth hasn’t changed: accomplishments don’t satisfy the soul. I still wrestle with insecurity and discontent. I’ve reached one ‘goal,’ but there’s always ‘another’ goal to be met. ‘Enough’ never seems to be enough. There’s always someone else to envy. I need the gospel more than ever; I need to keep preaching to my soul that true satisfaction can only be found in Christ alone.

And so, for all the ambitious women out there: Continue to pursue your dreams, because God created us with gifts, so let’s use them. But if you don’t land on the stars, redefine what it means to be among the stars. Redefine your definition of success. If things aren’t working out, remember that God may have more in store for you than your own plans. And always remember: the world needs you, not just your works, but you.

“What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?”

Luke 9:25 NIV

June Hur was born in South Korea and raised in Canada. She studied History and Literature at the University of Toronto. She is the author of The Silence of Bones, The Forest of Stolen Girls, and The Red Palace, and currently lives in Toronto with her husband and daughter.

Twitter: @writerjunehur

Instagram: @junehwrites

junehur.com