To Our Mothers
Three mothers, three perspectives. This is a message to all the mothers or mothers-to-be out there: you are seen, known and loved.
Mother’s Day and Loss
Vanessa Hoyes
Mother’s Day is one of the best ways to honour the gift of womanhood. But Mother’s Day can also be an ominous reminder of what we do not have.
It can be a time when the loss of pregnancy, or loss of dreams around mothering, or the loss of a relationship with a mother can all be deeply triggering as the world celebrates.
Loss like this is not always easy to acknowledge or give expression to.
For years we could not get pregnant. Each month was a hopeful expectation that diminished over time. Mother’s Day would come around and I would hold my breath. I had to intentionally learn how to practice honour to those who had what I wanted.
Then after miracle babies, as we were expecting our fourth, we were told Anastasia Zoe had died in my womb at nearly 22 weeks.
It's been said that when you lose your parents you lose your past.
When you lose a partner or friend you lose your present.
When you lose a child, you lose your future.
Until we fully feel our loss, we can never fully know healing.
John Odonodue says:
May your loss become a sanctuary where new presence will dwell
To refine and enrich your life with courage and compassion
One of the most powerful ways to continue to acknowledge the importance of this journey is to TALK about it. Explore your loss with “tender attentiveness”. Engage in the journey of loss. Name the moment, name your baby, name who you are now that you do not carry this baby in your arms.
Tell people how you would like to be treated on Mother’s Day. What would you like to be called if you have not given birth to a baby, or have experienced longing and loss in the area of parenting? The important work is to not wait for someone to do it correctly or incorrectly. You set the narrative. People who love you will actually LOVE a clear pathway into your heart when you vulnerably share what would be helpful and healing for you.
You are known and loved,
and so are those babies you have lost or are longing for.
In a ministry that I have begun called Known, which supports families through pregnancy loss, we will always give dignity, honour and expression to the reality of a loss like this. We need to find rhythms and rituals to acknowledge them. Mother’s Day is one. Father’s Day is another.
If I can serve you on this journey in any way through Grief Coaching or support through Pregnancy Loss, it would be my honour.
It is Enough: Message for the Overwhelmed Mother
Bonnie Pue
“I never said, ‘Thou shalt have a clean kitchen’.”
These are the words I felt the Spirit of God whisper to my overwhelmed heart when I was a young mom, with 4-month-old twins to care for. I was thrilled to have them but I had never experienced that level of exhaustion.
Yes, it was the sleep deprivation, but also the exhaustion of hormone upheaval and of the largest life change that I had ever experienced. It was the exhaustion of trying my hardest, but wondering if I would ever succeed.
On that particular day, I was bottle-feeding one of the boys. He was laying on the couch, and I slouched down beside him, knees to the floor, with tears streaming.
“God, I don’t have what it takes.”
This was when He spoke those words to me: “I never said, ‘Thou shalt have a clean kitchen’.”
He knew this was one significant layer of the problem. The unnecessary pressure that I had placed on myself and the desire for perfection in this new vocation of motherhood, strangled by my inability to be more-than-human.
I breathed a little.
Another silent prayer escaped,
“I just don’t think I have what it takes.”
I heard the Lord’s gentle response again, “Can you look your son in the face and tell him he is valuable?”
Deep sigh. He knew just what to say. Yes, if that was all that was needed for today, I could do that.
Oh, how I have reflected back on that day countless times when I have found myself overwhelmed by the insatiable to-do list, so often tripping over my own feet at the starting line.
Call the dentist. “How much do braces even cost?”
Buy new socks. “Why do they insist on running across the lawn in them?”
Clean that drawer in the fridge. “What is that brown liquid anyway?”
Is this motherhood? Yes, in part, it is. After all, parenting is about serving the next generation, not about polishing up our children to be displayed as trophies.
But on the days when I am certain I don’t have what it takes, I find comfort in truth. My children are unrepeatable souls, made unique in the image of God with a profound calling to impact the world around them.
If I can look past the sink of dirty dishes, and remind them that they are valuable, then that is enough.
What I Want You to Know About Becoming an Instant Mom
Ellen Graf-Martin
One hot June day–the Friday before Father’s Day, I became a Mom.
There was none of the normal lead-up, but an unending process of paperwork, meetings to prove we weren’t (too) crazy, inspections to make sure we weren’t (too) dangerous, and training for what to expect (but none of what we expected actually happened). And then, suddenly, nine months after we started our home study, I met my daughter for the first time. So, what do I want you to know about the day I met my daughter?
I’ve never cried as easily in my life, including that day. The crazy process of adoption makes a heart particularly vulnerable. While my womb may not have stretched, my mind, heart and life forced to shift, grow and move in ways they never had before. And the vulnerability matched step by step with the required strength and resilience. Nothing prepares you for your parenting journey like being scrutinized by social workers, adoption trainers, birth family, friends, and family members. And I want you to know, while I’m okay with this, vulnerability isn’t easy.
I didn’t know how to respond when we were called mom and dad for the very first time. My identity shifted in a moment that day. Nothing prepares you for that. When they left us alone with Our Girl, less than an hour after we met, she snuggled with us, almost like she knew she was home. And her home was with me. Still hard to believe almost 8 years later, honestly.
But what I really want you to know about the first time I met my daughter? I want you to know that it was the day I met a flesh and blood miracle. She was the daughter born in my heart nine months before I saw her face. She was the child I knew I would love forever. She was a gift in response to our prayers. I want you to know that on that day, I became her real Mama. The crazy details about how we matched were more than the human engineering of circumstances and tangible proof that nothing about this was an accident. Every single thing we had to go through to get to that place was worth it. And this is what I need to remind myself, when the parenting journey isn’t easy–look at this miracle. Only God could do this, and He did it just for you.
For 25 years Vanessa has passionately loved and led people. She does this as a communicator, a coach, a church builder and a collaborator. She is married 21 years to Andrew and they have four daughters! Aussies who pioneered a church in Montreal Quebec.
@vanessahoyes
Bonnie Pue is a speaker, writer, and podcaster, but most of her time and energy is spent as a homeschooling mother to 5 young sons. She and her husband Bryan have been leaders in their local church community for over a decade, and recently launched The Union Movement. Bonnie lives on the West Coast of British Columbia, and loves getting out on the hiking trails nearby.
@bonniepue @theunionmovement
Ellen, President & Chief Strategist at Graf-Martin Communications, launched internationally-acclaimed, Operation World. Since then, she’s enjoyed the privilege of launching countless brands, films, books, and working with several national and international non-profit organizations. Ellen’s deep commitment to using the marketing tools in her hands to come alongside organizations working for good is clear in the work that she and the team does.