TRUE Grief
by: Stéphanie Rourke Jackson
Grief is never easy. Nor is it a “one size fits all” kind of experience. Yet, there are definite stages that unify our grieving process. As much as it would be wonderful if it were a step study in recovery, it really isn’t. Grief is not linear. Nor is there any real closure. There is only HOPE. Let’s explore.
Grief is not linear.
It’s a tangled mess of one step forward and three steps back.
It’s an onslaught of emotions that slap you upside the head.
It’s a fog so dense you could cut it with a knife.
It’s a pain so deep your heart feels shattered and sharp like it’s cutting you from the inside out.
It’s tears that leak out at the strangest times without any warning to sting your cheeks.
It’s wrestling. It’s bargaining that if you could only have done or said something different it could have been a different story.
Right? That’s the thing about grief. It’s stealthy. We usually never really see it coming. Grief is the response to loss. Something we once held dear that is no more. It’s the loss of a dream, a relationship, a loved one, a way of life, freedom or a global pandemic from Covid-19. It can come from betrayals like an unfaithful spouse, or an economic collapse, a restructuring, or the death of a loved one like the recent passing of my brother.
Loss feels like “the enemy that comes to steal, kill and destroy” (John 10:10). Grief specialist David Kessler writes, “the worst grief is always your own” because it costs us our heart. Grief requires us to use courage, in fact, the root word ‘cor’, in courage, is Latin meaning ‘of the heart’.
We feel broken, just like Jesus did when his friend Lazarus died. The shortest, most profound verse in the bible is John 11:35 “Jesus wept.” He has compassion with us during our suffering. We can take it to Him at the cross where the most excruciating grief took place. Jesus knows our pain intimately because He has experienced it too. We can trust Him there, at the cross. When we feel beaten, banged up, broken, betrayed, and bloodied we identify with Christ. Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves those crushed in spirit.” This is good news. We are not alone. He is right there, holding us in the palm of His hand giving us strength, courage, and comfort. God meets us where we are. He is not offended, shocked or upset by our stages of grief: denial, bargaining, and anger. Even Jesus asked his Father “if you will, take this cup of suffering away from me. Not my will, however, but your will be done” (Luke 22:42).
The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves those crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Like Jesus, we too can surrender our pain (over and over) at the foot of the cross knowing that our Lord and Saviour went to the cross to pay for the cost of sin and suffering and we could be restored there. Yet, Jesus didn’t stay nailed to the cross. Nor do we need to stay nailed to our pain of suffering. When we accept and surrender to that which we have lost, we can then receive the hope that Christ offers. We can move away from the shock, denial, and anger of the dark Friday nights of our soul; the sorrow and surrender of our Saturdays; into the HOPE of Sunday. We can take what “was meant evil and use it for good, for the saving of many lives” Genesis 50:20. God can help shape our perspective and our work to bring meaning out of our situation.
The perspective we can eventually come to after our loss that builds resilience and revival in our lives by asking:
What have I learned through this?
How have I grown through this?
Where can I use this to help others?
How can I bring meaning from this?
God never wastes a hurt. This is a paraphrased promise that my counselor encouraged my husband and me on our first visit when we sought guidance on how to restore our marriage after infidelity. Where can you build beauty from the ashes of your grief?
Stéphanie Rourke Jackson has over 20 years of experience as a motivator, marketer, and coach. She is a life learner and believes that it’s never too late to start again,do something different and really get to know the awesomeness of who you are!
Stéphanie is an active member in her community volunteering as a coach for LAUNCH a Youth Unlimited program. She is also part of Springvale Women’s Ministry. She cherishes relationships and good conversations over coffee and adores spending time with her 3 kids and best friend/husband of almost 28 years. She can be contacted at www.beaconcoaching.com
Job 23:10 But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.