Motivation Monday – Why You Need A Healthy Yes and a Confident No
“We somehow know we are failing to be true to our very souls and defaulting on ourselves.”
If you are anything like me, chances are you have spent a third, half, or even more of your life trying to please people. In my work as a leadership catalyst, I have met very few female leaders who have more often than not looked at their sphere of influence and set about making sure they could meet every one’s perceived needs, before they did the work of exploring what they could uniquely bring into those environments.
More often I, and maybe you, have asked, “What do you need from me?” rather than declaring confidently, “This is what you can expect from me.”
We rarely have enough confidence in our strengths and unique gifting as women that our yesES are given away without little thought.
The ways of showing up that are unique to our one and only selves rarely have a chance to shine in the limelight since we have kept them hidden while being at the beck and call of other people’s expectations, and ministry expectations.
Girls, I am this woman. Right out of the gate from Bible College and two degrees and seminary later into a ministry environment, I learned how to take the easy road to likeability by saying yes. I threw out a frequent yes to pastors, peers, congregations, and friends, because I thought that in ministry this was the baseline expectation and people liked me more. Isn’t that what every female leader wants?
My yes to others created havoc within my soul as time and time again, I denied my own desires to serve in the ways that I was passionate about, in order to please others.
Very often as women leaders, when we are wrestling with wanting to do the right thing and at the same time listening to the whispers of God in our heart, stress and anxiety result.
We somehow know we are failing to be true to our very souls and defaulting on ourselves.
This can result in defining moments – either of plateauing, burnout, or falling off the leadership journey entirely.
I found myself trapped in an elevator one day. Running in to the elevator with several yeses to fulfill, I found myself pressing the button hard and fast to parking level so I could get in my car and keep running to do all the things people were expecting of me. This crazy pace of running was in my life and it was on repeat 7 days a week, month after month, year after year.
The elevator door did not open when I got to parking level. I kept hitting the open button with more and more force, until I heard a whisper in my soul, “Cathie, that’s not your door.” I turned around and realized it was a double-sided elevator and the door was open behind me.
I realized in that moment I needed to be a different girl leaving the elevator than the people-pleasing, frantic one that entered it. It took me a few years of exploring how God had gifted me uniquely and to learn to say a healthy yes and a confident no to the expectations of those around me. I learned to save 60% of my yeses for those things that were in the area of my unique ability, and called on my God-given birthright strengths. And I learned to slow down and serve in my own healthy cadence in ministry.
We are to pay close attention to how God has gifted us for ministry. Jesus Christ has wired each of us to function in the world for his glory. Jesus, by whom and for whom we were made, and by whom and for whom we are being redeemed, has uniquely wired each of us to live and serve in unique ways. It is the gospel part of our personhood. I call this area of unique wiring and service, the ‘grace zone’.
Darrell Johnson (in The Glory of Preaching), says it like this. “Gifted is the more usual term. Charismatized is the more literal biblical term; charismatized, from charisma, meaning ‘gift of grace.” Every member of the body of Christ in the world has been charismatized, graciously endowed by the Holy Spirit to perform a unique function in the church and in the world. That gifting goes so deep within us that it contributes to our identity – and constitutive of our being. It is not so much that we have a gift; rather it is that we are a gift.”
For the female leader, this is a harder concept not only to grasp but to act on.
It means being willing to show up strong, having done the work of unpacking your birthright gifts, and boldly offering them to the world.
It means shaping your environment to make room for what only you can bring, and influencing others to do the same.
It is knowing the sound of your healthy yes and confident no.
It doesn’t mean there won’t be times when all team members need to pitch in and pull together – but most of the time it means all of you bringing what only you can bring. Men do this more naturally and they don’t diminish their strengths. Women more naturally believe we must work on our weaknesses.
Resist the urge.
Learn the wonder of what God has fashioned in you. The work of offering your graced self, humbly and confidently, is your humble service and greatest gift to the world.
Reflect on these stunning words from Steven Covey as you begin to understand how fearfully and wonderfully you have been created. Steward those gifts to serve the world God has positioned you in for such a time as now.
“The power to discover your voice lies in the potential that was bequeathed you at birth. Latent and undeveloped, the seeds of greatness were planted. You were given magnificent birth-gifts – talents, capacities, privileges, intelligences, opportunities – that would remain largely unopened except through your own decision and effort. Open these gifts. Learn what taps your talents and fuels your passion – that rises out of a great need in the world that you feel drawn by conscience to meet – therein lies your voice, your calling, your soul’s code.”
I believe in you.
Cathie