Just A Blank Page
by: Joyce Chang
Drawing on blank paper was a treat. I remember my sister receiving a pack of coloured construction paper, and a black clipboard that contained white and lined sheets for Christmas. Smooth, crisp, perfect pages. I was so jealous, I cried.
You see, my sister and I grew up drawing on scrap paper. We were told the blank sides shouldn’t go to waste. A completely new piece would only be given if we were going to commit to drawing something fully and well. Although with good intentions, somehow along the way, the awe of a blank page morphed into the anxiety of needing to draw something perfectly.
When we were younger, the sky was the limit. We created without fear of judgement, scribbled across surfaces unhindered, and dashed into the unknown with excited anticipation.
We dust off our hands not realizing that a life completely under control is a life enslaved by fear.
Then life happened, and chaos emerged. From toxic relationships and heavy workloads, to mental health issues and societal standards to meet, micro and macrotraumas began to form.
So in attempting to control the chaos, we restrict ourselves with do’s and don’ts to maintain order. Avoid risk, stay focused, self-preserve. We dust off our hands not realizing that a life completely under control is a life enslaved by fear.
Blank pages that once made me gasp, and my eyes widen with the wonder of possibilities and ideas, now brought a slow internal loom of dread that tied my stomach in knots and perspired droplets.
Blank pages that mocked my creativity, and challenged my perfectionism and fear of failure.
Blank pages that had me on my knees. Praying, crying, grieving because I couldn’t do it by myself anymore.
My soul was dying.
So I stopped doing for a while. I let loose on my do’s and don’ts, and focused on the only One I felt could truly understand me.
It was quite hard at first to get back into it, but eventually, prayer and Scripture became a safe haven where I learned to be vulnerable with God. The Spirit revealed a lot of hidden baggage, idols, and sins in my heart, prompting me to confess and repent them until I emptied myself. Until I’ve peeled back those layers, I wouldn’t be able to see me as I was.
And frankly, I didn’t like what I saw; perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviour fueling my fears and anxiety. I couldn’t put pen on paper unless I knew it would be perfect.
It took about a year of unpacking, unlearning, and re-learning with God on how to step into the unknowns and the uncertain without the fear of failure. I realized this fear hindered me a lot from seeing the open doors around me, utilizing the gifts He’s given me to its potential, and dreaming big with the desires He’s put in my heart. Until I could overcome this fear, I would not be able to make a mark.
However, because of Christ’s resurrection that freed me from my bondages of sin, blank pages now teem with possibilities and ideas in my eyes, and I confidently draw them out.
Resolution happened at Gather Rise. Emma Narayanan spoke on the story of Hannah, and the one line that kept echoing back was, “You may never be able to see the other end of your “yes,” but God sees and honours your obedience.”
As the words soaked in, I reflected. What was I truly fearful of? Of what people will say? Of lacking qualifications? Of not ever being affirmed or appreciated? But not…my God?
With the year unfolding before us, I invite you to do the hard work of unpacking, unlearning and re-learning because new beginnings, new formations, and new ways are sure to come. Don’t let the potential of not being good, perfect, or successful stop you from stepping boldly into where you feel called to.
Even now, I still hesitate here and then before putting pen on paper now. However, because of Christ’s resurrection that freed me from my bondages of sin, blank pages now teem with possibilities and ideas in my eyes, and I confidently draw them out.
How do you feel when you see a blank page?
Joyce Chang is a photography and illustration freelancer, with a passion for sustainability, the circular economy and service design. She serves as a worship leader and leads Leadership Training at New Hope Fellowship Downtown. Joyce is often found in a facilitator or consulting role bringing people, research, or thoughts together.
IG: @joyceycchang Work: joyceycchang.com
Blog: joyceycchang.wixsite.com/joycerambles